Dear Doc:

I hear you asking me how things are going. I’m not sure how I’m going to answer you. If I told you everything was fine, would you believe me given my history?

The reality is, I’m not okay. I have so many issues that I don’t even want to discuss, especially with you. You don’t really know me so therefore I’m just going to keep hiding behind the idea of fine. Or should I just come right out and tell you? Should I be bold enough to just dump all of my bullshit on your plate and let you tell me how to proceed?

I’m not fine. In fact, I’m far from it. Everyday I struggle to get out of bed and the idea of putting on a happy face is killing me slowly. With every fiber of my being I get up in the morning and wonder what sort of cluster fuck there will be today. I worry constantly about how I am going to continue to live with this secret before I snap off and destroy everything around me.

I have an unhealthy relationship with food bordering on an eating disorder I assume. I’m not the doctor here but we both know that if I tell you I can eat my body weight in junk food all day long believe it. Because I can. Because I have. And because I will continue to do that and be miserable until we get to the root of the problem. Then tomorrow I will go on a 4 day food strike where I drink nothing but water as a way to flush my system of all the hatred I’ve just put into it with food.

I don’t have control of my mental health either. Ya, that’s right. I said it. IT’S OUT OF CONTROL! The medication makes me feel dead inside. I would rather feel things than continue to bury them but I know the consequences of being off the medication. In fact, I just went through withdrawal and wanting to die because my mind played this dirty little trick on me where it makes me think that I’m absolutely capable of handling my own chemistry by giving the illusion that I am strong enough to do so. Wrong!

I am not fine doc. I am overweight, stressed all the time, and wanting so much more out of my life. The problem is I don’t know how to get there or when to say enough is enough. The problem is that I have given all of myself to everyone else and put me on the back burner. Can you help with that? Can you make me believe that I should be worrying about me for once?

Can you make me believe that I am enough? Can you help me get my mind right? For my family, for my business, for my career? What’s that you say? I have to do that on my own? Well great, I guess I’m going to have to start telling other people I’m not fine. I’m not sure that some people in my life can handle me being not fine and being vocal about it.

Thanks doc. I know I’m a lot but I also know that I’m worth it. I guess if the people around me don’t want to deal with that idea than they are part of the problem aren’t they. Aren’t they?

I’m not about to just change my life with all of your advice. I’m about to change the lives of other people as well. Before I can do that though I know that I need to finally take your advice and start taking care of myself. I know that I need to find a group of people, including professionals, where I can sort this shit out. Yes, I know it’s going to be hard but I know at the end of the day everything you have ever told me is going to be exactly what I should have been doing all along.

Sincerely –

The patient who has tried to go against all of your advice and failed.

phoenix

I will rise from the ashes I created. Watch me.